Nice Guys Finish Last - Sad, But True
Article Source: Dating Books For Men. Copyright 2008
Author: Joseph Matthews
S P O T L I G H T
Joseph Matthews is the author of
The Art Of Approaching
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre:
I would like to ask you something...
Are you familiar with the old addage "Nice Guys Finish Last?"
Take it from me, that saying is 100 percent accurate! But probably not for the reasons you expect.
Trying to be a "Nice Guy" with women does not work. But it is not because you get so caught up trying to please the girl, and then get stuck being seen as a friend, but it is because Nice Guys are generally very, very...
SELFISH!
Yup, it's true. The Nice Guy isn't really being nice, he is being EMOTIONALLY GREEDY.
OK, let me explain what's going on here...
Perhaps the biggest problem faced by guys who are struggling to succeed with women is that they allow themselves to be handicapped by something I call "the Nice Guy factor."
This stems from the fact that often a guy has so little self-esteem and sense of himself that he bases his own self-worth on what other people THINK OF HIM.
Guys like this put themselves at the mercy of the other people in their lives, and they spend a lot of time trying to please them, believing that if others think highly of them, then they can feel good about themselves.
On the surface, this doesn't seem so bad, and it does feel good when others approve of you.
The trouble is, most people will look at this behavior and instantly place these poor men into the "Nice Guys" column. They recognize that these are guys who do not like conflict, and who only want to keep everyone happy.
These guys are also some of the more selfish people you will ever come across.
Seriously. How do I know this? Because I used to be one of these guys, so I know exactly how they think! And I do not mind one bit if anyone who thinks of themselves as "nice" now feels really, really pissed off!
The way I see it, all of you "Nice Guys" reading this article are nothing more than "people pleasers." At some point in your lives, you discovered that pleasing others was a sure way to get them to like you, and whenever you did this the result was you ending up feeling good about yourself. Maybe it was acclaim from your parents, or the acceptance of your friends you sought, but somehow YOU LEARNED that what other people think of you is important to how you feel about yourself.
What I am telling you now is that using other people's feelings and goodwill this way is not only harmful, it's dishonest!
Anyone who declares "I hate conflict!" or "If you cannot say anything nice, don't say anything at all!" should do us all a favor and move themselves to the planet "Ideal" where life is wonderful, and we all have transparent heads, and wars have long since been banished. Only on Planet Ideal will are you likely to find that everyone is hapy to give you all the moral support you need.
But that's really the crux of the issue right there. "Nice Guys" tend to believe that "I am so loving and giving and nice that I feel you ought to treat me the exact same way that I treat you."
The real world doesn't work that way though, does it?
Consider for a moment some of these typical thought processes of Nice Guys:
--"It's really not fair of you to disagree with me because I do so much for you!"
--"Please offer sympathy, and give me comfort when I'm upset because I'm needy and I cannot comfort myself."
--"You should always be in a good mood because I am constantly trying to make you happy and when I can't, I feel ashamed and mad at you!"
--"You should pay attention to me. After all that I've done for you, I deserve it!"
--"You need to take care of me by doing what I am afraid to do for myself! I take care of you, so you need to return the favor!"
Now, if these are typical thoughts that run through the heads of Nice Guys (and they are), then ask yourself this: "If someone was SAYING these things to me, how would I react?" Probably not so well, right? Well, now you know where women are coming from when they decide that they don't want to have relationships with "Nice Guys."
Once the woman subconsciously makes this decision and the needy demands of the "Nice Guy" go unmet, he then falls into a deep well of self-pity and depression. He also feels shame and anger at his failure to please the women he wants, and even though this "Nice Guy" can keep his pleasant demeanor up for a considerable time, his resentment towards this woman he wanted to please now grows and grows until it finally explodes in anger and rage directed at others or himself.
This "Nice Guy" mentality therefore tends to sabotage itself, and invites loss of self respect when women put you at arm's length. When you repeated go into a funk because of this it causes others to not want to be around you.
So what is a "Nice Guy" to do?
The answer is that if you want to be successful with women, you need to stop being agreeable all the time and instead be straightforward and honest. If you have to go against the wishes of others and disappoint them, well, so be it! There is no reason that you cannot do this with kindness and sensitivity, but you MUST do it.
Only by being honest with others, and with yourself, will you manage to overcome those selfish "nice guy" habits that are holding you back. By doing this, you will cease to care about what others think of you. Instead, the source of your validation will come from being true to yourself and straightforward with others. Before you know it, all your resentment and anger will disappear, and you will have more respect for yourself and a lot less depression.
The bottom line is that if you want to become the type of man other people can respect then you truly have to stop being a "Nice Guy". Yes, it can be hard to be honest with others (eand with yourself), but in the end you will find it far more rewarding than you do your current mode of behavior.
If you are unsure about how you can create the opportunities with women you'll need to practice being straightforward and honest with them, pick up a copy of my book "The Art of Approaching", and I will teach you EXACTLY how to become the kind of man that women respond to.
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B Y T H E S A M E A U T H O R . . .
Joseph Matthews is the author of
The Art Of Approaching
Joseph Matthews, the author discussed in my The Art Of Approaching review, believes 10 percent of males enjoy 90 percent of the success when it comes to dating women. His aim is to put YOU into that 10 percent using 350+ pages of solid dating advice.
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre, or read and in-depth review:
