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How to Overcome Your Nervousness Around Women

Article Source: Dating Books For Men. Copyright 2008
Author: John Alexander


S P O T L I G H T
John Alexander is the author of How To Become An Alpha Male
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre:
C O M P A R E
As you stand at the magazine rack thumbing through an issue of Cosmo, you notice she has the most gorgeous face you have ever seen. Her hair is silky brown, her skin radiant and so incredibly soft. If you could pick up this girl you would be on top of the world.

But deep in your gut you feel the fear.

You know that even if you had the courage to go for it, you would not know how to begin talking to her. You feel so nervous that, if you were her, you would certainly reject yourself. So why wouldn't she? So you do the only thing you can - you shy away from even approaching her.

If this situation sounds familiar keep reading.

First of all, realoze this: ALL guys experience anxiety about approaching women. I certainly do.

But the difference betwen you (and me) and the rest of the guys is what you are prepared to do about your fear.

Most men let their fear paralyze them. Not only when dealing with women, but with other things in their life, like their career. This is why, unfortunately, most men will never experience the kind of success that they deserve.

To combat this, you need to first look at where this fear is coming from. The problem lies within you. It is has nothing to do with the woman.

If you are dwelling on an outcome that involves you getting rejected, then that means you are making your approach with a predetermined outcome in mind (when your goal, I am assumimg, is to get the woman attracted to you so that you can get laid).

Do this instead. Approach women without any expectation whatsoever. No goals.

I will tell you about a problem I used to have. By nature, I tend to be an introvert, as I have revealed in my book, "How to Become an Alpha Male."

In order to overcome my natural shyness, I used to force myself to chat up everybody I came across. It did not matter who they were - hot girls, ugly girls, overweight girls, old people, men, children, people walking dogs - you name it.

I talked with them about neutral topics. None of it had anything to do with picking up chicks.

The result of all this was that I became extremely good at approaching people.

But then I made a mistake. I told myself, "Now that I have become so good at approaching people, and have morphed into an outgoing person, why am I continuing to waste my time talking to anyone other than hot chicks?"

So I began to limit the kind of people would I talk to - and pretty soon my anxiety about talking to new women swept over me again. It was like all my practice chatting up strangers had amounted to nothing, and I was back at square one.

It was then I realized that my problem stemmed from being outcome-dependent. It was because, in my head, I was thinking "I'm going to try to lay this chick" before I had even opened my mouth to say "hello". So I would crash and burn. It totally sucked.

So here is something I want you to try. From now on, when you go out, try to talk to three people. Do it just for the practice.

Because it is only for the practice, don't restrict yourself to talking only to hot women. Generally, I have found that elderly people (both men and woman) and fat women are very easy to talk to.

If it helps you, put a time limit on your practice interactions. This way you can talk to the person for 30 seconds and then you can get out of the conversation. (You can say something like, "Well, I'm just on my way to meeting a friend. Good to chat with you." And then you walk away without making a big deal of it.)

Once you have completed your practice conversations, and feel warmed up, then you can think about chatting up hot chicks. But remember, do this without having in mind any sort of sex-related outcome. If, for example, a woman should pass you in a hallway, just say, "Hey, I need a quick female opinion on something." (Then ask her about anything which you genuinely want a female opinion on.)

Again: have no preconceived outcome in mind. That way, it will not matter if the chick responds rudely.

In fact, once you have reached the point where you have chatted up lots of women, you will eventually discover that the rude responses on their part mean nothing to you. You will have an attitude of "Ha, very original... I have had so many women give me that exact same 'clever' rude remark."

I personally have been harshly rejected, time and time again. One girl screamed "Go away!" at me before I even managed to get out my first word to her.

Another time I was amused after I approached a pair of girls (for purposes of practice) and just as I said "hey," they turned their backs on me in unison like a pair of synchronized dancers!

Today I just look back on this and laugh.

My point here is that the more often you approach, the more rapidly you will reach a level at which you notice that most people act in the same, predictable ways. This is good, it will bore you rather than cause you any anxiety.

Think of yourself as trying to build a house. You are putting down one brick at a time, and cementing it. Brick, cement. Brick, cement. It takes a long time, but eventually the walls go up.

I like to think of it this way: there is really no such thing as "being nervous." You do not "get nervous," like it is some kind of flu virus that is invading your body.

Your feelings of nervousness come from within you. They are the result of a certain sequence of thought processes that you go through. (When you entertain thoughts like, "I would reject myself, so why wouldn't she?" it sets you up for failure.) You imagine the chicks rejecting you. Of course, this just makes you feel tense, which is no way to prepare for an approach.

So, you need to identify this negativity, or else you'll have no chance of countering it.

Notice your negative thoughts and work to change them. Instead of saying to yourself, "Oh my God, this woman is going to act like a bitch to me because I fumble my words" you SHOULD be thinking, "Wow. It's awesome that I am making this approach, because even if this girl rejects me, it means I have gotten her out of the way and I am one step closer to finding my real dream girl."

Try to notice where it is that you feel tense in your body, and then allow your muscles to relax in those areas. For me, I feel tension in my jaw and face when I am nervous. So whenever I relax my jaw and facial muscles, it reduces a lot of my tension.

I am going to wrap this up for you by concluding with this piece of advice:

1) Be social for the sake of being social, and nothing more.

2) Try to remember that the best way to get past your fear is by doing the thing you fear to do. The more you do it, the easier it becomes, because your attitude will transition to something like, "Been there, done that, it's no big deal."

3) Acknowledge and identify your bad thoughts so that you can force yourself to replace them with good ones.

4) Find ways to ease the physical tension in your body when you feel nervous.

~ // ~
B Y   T H E   S A M E   A U T H O R . . .
John Alexander is the author of
How To Become An Alpha Male
John Alexander, the author discussed in my How To Become An Alpha Male review, says that while most other dating books focus on WHAT to do to please the woman, the better approach is to concentrate instead on how to BECOME the man that women respond to.
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre, or read and in-depth review:
C O M P A R E
R E V I E W