Female Rejection: The Male CurseArticle Source: Dating Books For Men. Copyright 2008
Author: Michael Pilinski
S P O T L I G H T
is the author of Without Embarrassment
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You lift your head and see a girl. This one's your type. For a moment you lock eyes - frozen, like a pair of deer caught in each other's headlights. She acknowledges you - and you see a mild curiosity in her eyes... The passing seconds seem to stretch out like hours, and you can feel the moment slipping away. You are vaguely aware that you need to make a play here, but you're just not prepared. Then something distracts her, and she looks away... The train pulls out, she gets into a cab, the bell rings for class, insert your own ending here. But no matter what the details, the moment vanishes like a ghost, as though it had never existed to begin with. And yet, you will play it over and over again in your mind - re-run a thousand times.
If you have ever allowed a chance encounter ripe with romantic possibility to slip away, while you stood by helplessly and just watched, then you will understand this low point in a man's life. Our fear of having romantic advances rejected by women still remains the most difficult obstacle to trying to hook up. And it may be worse for a man today than it ever was in the past. These days men are at a huge social disadvantage to women - what with the collapse of any sort of culturally insistent requirement for them to act subservient around us. When have they ever been as sarcastic, demanding or casually judgmental of our fumbling actions as they are today? Or as secure in expressing their vitriole of us - since they now have the full protection of the law (including government and corporate anti-harassment rules) which protects them from any serious blowback.
This all makes the prospect of approaching a woman with romantic intent a momentous chore for those of us who don't happen to have a monster set of brass balls to help us out. I have studied this subject and thought a great deal about it (not to mention having also experience some delightful kicks in the teeth during the course of my, ah... research), and it seems to me that there are 3 crucial points to understand about the art of meeting women:
1) You need to be armed with some kind of standard icebreaker.
And no, I am not referring to a conversational opener like "Come here often?". Stop for a moment and think about this. Most of us (unless we suffer from any form of severe social anxiety that necessitates psychiatric treatment) generally have no problem making casual small talk with others, even perfect strangers we might meet on the subway, and really... even with hot women. If you knew in advance that you were only going to walk up to a girl and have a conversation about the weather, why... there would be hardly any anxiety involved in that, right? So then, why all the fear?
It is because we know that, if our real objective is to "pick her up", then somehow we will have to do something special
to change that plain conversation into a romantic one - and it is THIS unknown "something", that we have no idea how to pull off, that scares the hell out of us!
I call this essential, yet frightening, transitional moment in a man-woman exchange "the icebreaker"
- and like I said, it is the uncertainty over just how to make this verbal crossover (without looking like a complete fool) that lies at the heart of our fear of rejection.
Well, here in Dr. Frankenstein's "seduction lab" I like to create various work-arounds for these types of nasty problems...
As an example, one interesting conversational device that I have had a surprising amount of luck with is something I refer to as resigned speculation
. This is where you ask "The Question" by framing it in a manner that makes it seem like there is little or no chance of her responding in a positive way: "Listen, I know I'm probably crazy thinking someone as (attractive, cool, stunning, vibrant) as you would be free to (have dinner, grab some coffee, get a drink) with me some evening..."
And then (this is the tough part) you let that question simply hang in the air until she is forced to respond. You are speculating, you see - resigned to the idea that it is probably just a pipe dream that someone as gorgeous as she would be willing to take you up on your wistful offer. See? This kind of oblique approach is disarming, charming and non-threatening to most women - especially if you present your speculation in a playful and teasing manner.
Resigned speculation is a straightforward way to casually cross the boundary from friendly stranger to romantic possibility without having to make that high-pressure, sweaty "verbal hit" that many of us just can't bring ourselves to do. I have been stunned at how often women will jump at such a seemingly "oh well..." kind of offer. Not always, nor even most of the time to be truthful, but I would say around 30 to 40 percent of the time this crazy and unpredictable game works. And baby, dat ain't bad!
2) Whatever you decide for your icebreaker, you need to standardize on that statement - write it down... AND POUND IT WAY DOWN DEEP INTO YOUR SKULL!
This is because, when the moment arrives, and you see a great looking woman and you have a perfect opportunity to approach her, your anxiety will skyrocket, your brain will close down, and your consciousness will generally just flatline. And when your skull is empty, you are powerless my friend.
Make this phrase as easy to remember as a song lyric that you have heard blasted a thousand times on the radio. Make it something you can 'sing' on a moment's notice in any situation - whether at a park, in an elevator, or at a party. Otherwise you will be carrying around a lot of book learning in your head, but you won't have cultivated any actual SKILL yet.
3) Learning to meet and seduce women is perhaps the most difficult thing we ever have do as men.
Maybe if you are training to land the next generation of Altair spacecraft on the moon 15 years from now you have something tougher going on in your life, but for the rest of us this sad statement is largely true. The point is, you need to understand the magnitude of this life challenge and set yourself free any sense of shame
that could still be lingering from past failures. Your behaviors are always just an expression of your most persistent thoughts - and if those thoughts constantly dwell on how much you suck and how hopeless and helpless you are, then your life's reality will follow suit... and it too will come to suck.
Begin by tossing any "emotionally scarred for life" kind of crutch that you might currently be hobbling around on. Nobody gets to ride their sob story for life, no matter how horrible it might be. You need to develop the determination to press on and become as good as you must be at this aspect of your male existence. Some of you will want to become big time players, while others may be looking for a wife or girlfriend. Many of you just need to get laid and then allow that event to guide you where it may.
Decide which level you need to play this game, and then approach the task of acquiring the necessary skills to pull it off in a logical and rational fashion devoid of any "clouding" emotions such as bitterness or despair. This is how you eventually become good at charming women - it's no magic.
~ // ~
B Y T H E S A M E A U T H O R . . .
is the author of
Michael Pilinski, the author discussed in my Without Embarrassment review, is a deep-thinking battle-scarred woman's man, who has figured out how to ascend the Male Dominance Scale by which women grade men as a potential mate. Care to improve your score?
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre, or read and in-depth review: