Dealing with Fear of Rejection By WomenArticle Source: Dating Books For Men. Copyright 2008
Author: Michael Pilinski
S P O T L I G H T
is the author of Without Embarrassment
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Recently, two clients of mine asked a similar question about how you make that vexing first contact with a woman. See what you think of my answer to this common problem:
I recently visited my therapist and she gave me new insights into my fear of rejection. She says the best method for overcoming my shyness and fear of rejection is to ask as many women out for a date as possible, and the more I get rejected the faster I'll get over the fear. I would like to know what you think about this. I did try to cold approach one woman I came across at the mall, but it turned out I should have just kept walking and minded my own business.
I have a copy of your book Without Embarrassment and I have a couple of questions for you. My problem is, I do not have a clue when or where to apply the techniques you describe! I have never visited a bar/nightclub in my life, and I am really not into that scene. So where exactly can I use your strategies without looking like some kind of crazy asshole?
For example, any time that I have mustered up the courage to use a non-verbal "let her catch me looking" strategy, she ALWAYS looks away within 2 seconds. Of course, this just makes me more nervous about doing it the next time. Should I be making eye contact with her for 5 seconds, then look away for 2, then smile? Or do you smile immediately after 1 second, or what? You don't think women figure that only weird-o's do stuff like this?
When I go to the mall, I never see other guys sneaking even a glimpse at women. They walk by and act too cool to say anything, so perhaps you understand why I feel hesitant trying these methods when nobody else seems to be doing it. Also, every time I see a really hot chick I find that I am at a loss for words. These days no one breaks the ice by saying, "Hello, my name is John Doe, what's yours?" That's not cool, and just the antithesis of smooth. So how am I supposed to talk to a woman I don't even know? I understand the process involves making some "witty or clever" remark about the current situation you find yourself in with the girl, but I still seem to be at a HUGE loss as to how to begin. Help please!
George, the strategy your therapist prescribed for you is known as desensitization therapy
- wherein you repeatedly expose yourself to the stressor that has been causing an unreasonable fear within you in an attempt to exhaust your brain's current response to it... until you simply STOP being afraid. This is known to work on anything from the fear of heights or spiders, to the fear of rejection. But it does take a great deal of determination, time, and effort to see through properly. A program like this needs to be approached as a long-term self-improvement project
, and you must make a serious commitment to see it through - sort of like a diet and exercise push to lose 50 pounds by Christmas time. That means you need to start in the springtime, not November!
It's just not possible to approach something like this as though it were some quick stunt that can be pulled off whenever you feel the urge, and then expect immediate results. Also, this is a brutal way to surmount any fear. I'm not surprised she offered you this supposed "fix" though, because women tend to regard a man's fear of asking a woman out as a bullshit issue (I'd like to see them try it!), and so they are inclined to offer up simplistic "just do it" type advice.
They have little understanding of the life-damaging consequences of this problem! Let me give you some alternative ideas that might make things easier for you.
The thing is guys, the "system" that I teach in my books for meeting women is more like fishing than it is hunting. By this I mean you must take steps to improve your look, style, behavior and attitude in a way that suggests you are a guy who is going places in life. This all serves to elevate your "male status" (as measured against other guys) in such a way as to attract the attention of women who come in contact with you. The important point here is to GET ONTO THEIR RADAR SCREENS and stop being so damn invisible. This little change, this reprogramming, can make it a hundred times easier to take a chance on exchanging a few words with a girl that you didn't know only moments ago - as opposed to having to summon forth an enormous amount of courage to get up into the grill of some chick who couldn't care less that you exist. Who needs this kind of stress? This is supposed to be fun!
You always want to be drawing signals of interest
from women and to be doing it whenever and wherever, as your sort of "modus operandi" - rather than be trekking off to the mall with the idea of staring women down with some kind of precision eye contact, or running a hypno-pattern on her like a snake charmer. In day to day situations, our normal "look away" reflex will prevent any sort of extended eye contact with strangers anyway. Romantically significant eye contact between men and women occurs mostly in situations where a background social "pass" exists, such as at parties and nightclubs. Otherwise it can prove difficult to pull off this type of non-verbal signaling.
Catching eye contact alone with her is not usually a technique for the street... it works better in the context of you having already shown up on her radar screen.
Perhaps this stuff will be clearer if we take a step back and look at the wider picture instead of being so focused in on all this "minutia of technique". Stop and think for a moment about what you are actually doing here. You are really a salesman who is trying to sell a product, and that product happens to be YOU. How best to sell any product? Well, you generally offer some kind of free sample, or a test drive, if you can, right? In our case, we want to demonstrate to her what our personality is like, what sort of guy we are. Call it a PERSONALITY SAMPLE if you like.
So each time you are out and about and come across a cute woman who interests you, you will want to be exhibiting just a little of what kind of guy you are... an adventure seeker, science nerd, tough guy, spacey dreamer, artistic / musical lover, down-to-earth working man, harmless lovable fuzz-ball, funny-joker guy, go-go business dude... or whatever. Just be sure to do it with dress, style and attitude.
What I'm saying is this: try not to hide who you are behind some fake persona. Advertise it! "Step right up and get your free personality sample... Go on, take one!" This way, you will only draw in those women who happen to dig your style of guy. These are also the ones who will ultimately prove to be the best lovers/girlfriends/wives anyway. Not some bitch who ends up always feeling as though she got sold one thing and ended up with something entirely different, and now she wants a refund (and will make your life miserable until she gets it by trying to CHANGE you into whatever she thinks you ought to be). Look, you simply cannot be everything to everyone and be universally desired. That just isn't possible. You have to select what naturally suits your demeanor and life interests and just BE that guy (the Bait). Then drop your hook into the water, and see which fish comes nibbling.
These are the women you can continue to pursue with a lower risk of being rejected (but not zero, it's never zero). Two more things here: 1) there's a built-in compatibility factor and, 2) it's EASY to be confident and thus show off your best High Status Male game when you know that you are shooting at fish in a barrel. In other words, by working a girl who seems to dig you right from the get go.
"But Mike, I don't LIKE the kind of women that are attracted to me. They are all fat and ugly..." Then you need to change your sales pitch, and stop working the bottom of the food chain! This is all under your control, so get to work changing and upgrading those things about yourself that you must so as to begin showing up on the radar screens of the types of women that you desire.
I can't give you suggestions for a fashion makeover, or put scripted dialog in your mouth because I have no knowledge about the type of culture you live in or the situations and women that you'll come across. YOU have to figure out the specifics on your own.
Okay, so now we show up on her radar. Next, you need to be AWARE of the signals that interested women will send you, and you need to respond to them appropriately. I have found that awareness is a big problem with a lot of guys who have little experience with women. They are basically clueless as to when they are being signaled by a woman! Humans negotiate intimacy by using a large variety of non-verbal signals, eye contact being one of the most powerful among them. But women are usually careful only to signal those men who really interest them, and often only in situations where people are socializing and feeling free to do so (given a "pass") - such as at parties and nightclubs. In these situations, reading the eyes, timing a look-away lag, and so on, is a useful skill to master. More than that however, is simple awareness
You need to stop being such an "awareness zombie"... You need to WAKE UP!
So, if her signals seem favorable, this is the time to attempt to get her number or e-mail, a coffee date, or just offer her your own card with your contact into on it.
My own card proclaims that I am a freelance writer and web designer. I only write for myself and don't really market my services, but the mousey little bookworm types that I dig are impressed! You fly light airplanes? The your business card announces that scenic rides are available! Are you a great swimmer? Swimming lessons, personal tutoring available. Like to workout? Personal training, first lesson free. Of course, all this stuff is only available if you happen to be a hot chick!
What I'm saying is this: be proud of whatever you are and use it to build up your apparent male status with a style and attitude projection which is uniquely yours... and start getting noticed. Don't be one of those wishy-washy, "I-don't-know-what-I-want-from-life" kind of dopes who floats through life aimlessly. Use your head, have a goal, get some purpose and determination and get to work solving whatever social problems you are currently having.
Let me also make it clear that when I talk about doing any of these things it is to be understood within the context of repeated exposure
, not this instant pick-up crap. Forget about attempting to deliver some kind of super-clever "pick-up" line to a stone-cold stranger off the street, this idea is ridiculous for those of us who aren't already Naturals. Guys who possess a naturally smooth rapport with girls flirt with women flagrantly anywhere and everywhere they find them and FORCE a reaction from them. Believe me, there are no "secret words" to practice in front of a mirror that can turn any old schlep into an instant player. It takes a clear head, courage, and an awareness of the effect you are having on the people around you.
Not sure about that? Then really stop for a moment and consider the entire notion of the cold approach. What you are trying to do is "stun" some girl who is a perfect stranger into feeling enticed enough by your sudden appearance to agree to some immediate get-together or a date in the near future. She has to be willing to TRUST that you are not some slick-talking psycho (or just a plain old needy pain-in-the-ass desperado), and then agree to give you her contact info, or agree to accompany you somewhere RIGHT THAT MOMENT. Wow!... that's a tall order. And how do you plan to go about stunning her? With your GQ looks? Your great physique? Or maybe you happen to be a famous movie star and you can just stun her by showing up. Most of us are just average Joe's who don't have any super-special qualities that can attract women like this. We need to work at it in a more gradual way.
What I am getting at here is that you will likely have to grind them down slowly with repeated exposures to your personality before you can begin to see those precious signs of return interest that you are looking for - which is why your best chances are always going to be found in situations like school, work, neighborhood bars, local restaurants, where you have the opportunity to build a connection over the course of several encounters. It's all about showing up on her radar, establishing a connection, building trust, and most of all MODELING the types of behaviors (upbeat, sexy, flirtatious, joking, etc.) that you want the girl to REFLECT back to you. She will pick up on your vibe, and if she runs with it then you know you've got a nice little bite on your line, right?
This, my friends, is how the game is best played.
And now, one final wildcard
in regards to receiving that return GO signal: sometimes you won't get one EVEN IF SHE'S INTERESTED IN YOU! That's right, after all that I have just told you, you sometimes just need to go ahead and act in the complete absence of these precious signals if you really want a shot at that ONE particular girl that you have missile-locked on. I have talked to many of my friends about this who tell me that their current girlfriend, or even wife, continued to give them the cold shoulder UNTIL THEY ACTUALLY ASKED HER OUT
... then (to their amazement) not only did she agree, but did so enthusiastically!
As in, "why did it take you so long to ask me out, you dummy?"
I believe this happens because pushing through a woman's apparent disinterest is a TEST that a lot of them run to see who the really interested guys are, AND which ones have enough balls to muster up the courage to make that scary first social move! They are not REALLY interested in you unless you can pass this unannounced test. Cute, eh?
This means that, regardless of the "rules", sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind AND GO FOR IT ANYWAY! This, my friend, is the wacky and unpredictable world of women... and why you can never really know just how close to scoring you ever actually are until you open up your mouth and find out. Maddening, I know, but that's the checkerboard we're playing on.
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B Y T H E S A M E A U T H O R . . .
is the author of
Michael Pilinski, the author discussed in my Without Embarrassment review, is a deep-thinking battle-scarred woman's man, who has figured out how to ascend the Male Dominance Scale by which women grade men as a potential mate. Care to improve your score?
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre, or read and in-depth review: