Anger in the Rejected Male
Article Source: Dating Books For Men. Copyright 2008
Author: Michael Pilinski
S P O T L I G H T
Michael Pilinski is the author of
Without Embarrassment
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre:
I'm going to be talking in this article about how to control your anger if you happen to be a male who has been rejected by a woman recently - or in the far past, since the sting can carry forward for a very long time.
The motivating event responsible for me picking up my pen was this email I received from one of my clients:
Hi Mike,
I have identified the main culprit in my social interactions with women - it's all this hidden anger that has bottled up since I was a kid. You understand what I am talking about, since every guy who can't get laid has this problem. You mentioned it in passing in your book Without Embarrassment, but I don't think you give it sufficient emphasis.
Feeling negatively about other people because of all this anger is even worse than being shy. Although in the minority, there are attractive women who find shyness in men endearing, but they never find negativity and anger endearing. In order to interact with a woman on an emotional level, without having to fake it, I end up revealing not only my interest in her, but also all the bitterness stored within me.
Several days ago, I got myself into a situation that required that I be assertive, but not necessarily pleasing to the other person I was dealing with, and this sparked a profusely intense anger within me. When things don't go my way, I am easily thrown off balance and then all the great advice you give in your book becomes useless.
There are times when I feel quite good about myself, but mostly I find myself on edge because of this seething rage.
How did you manage (or did you?) to shake off all that bitterness from your days as a lonely and self-conscious Low Status Male? For me, it's hard to forgive when I know there is no apology coming my way. I have an intense feeling that the world owes me, and when it fails to make payment, more anger gets bottled up. I honestly don't know how to deal with this crap. Being aware of it is half the battle, I guess (I wasn't aware how much hidden anger interfered with my attitude until now), but what can I DO about it?
Alan
Hi Al,
My friend, you are correct,
anger and bitterness are major controlling factors with guys like us - and, yes, it may indeed be a worse problem than shyness. Sometimes it gets to the point, a few minutes into the conversation, where you just want to strangle some of these crazy bitches... That's the rage of the rejected male!
Your question did get me thinking... Anger by itself cannot be a major deterrent for women because so many of them routinely hook up with nasty bikers, ex-cons, drunks and druggies who mistreat them every day. Still, they "love" regardless (it's called co-dependency, a common weakness of the female spirit). I wonder if perhaps it's not so much the anger but the FOCUS of the anger that turns them off. The bad boys I have just described tend to focus most of their anger at
society and authority - making them the rebels who scorn the rules. This gives them just a little sniff of danger that a lot of women find sexy and attractive. They allow themselves to be taken in by the fantasy of being near this type of guy, getting off on the "us vs. them" excitement that he promises.
On the other hand, bitter guys seem to focus most of their anger at other PEOPLE, rather than at institutions of authority - and this turns women off because the guy comes off as scary in a more personal way than the rebel bad boy. The bitter guy can at one moment be emotionally withdrawn, and then suddenly go off in the opposite direction and become neurotically attached to her. So Mr. "Bitter Guy" seems more likely to become a stalker who could easily create problems for her if she decides to break up with him. Again, this is just my read on what may be happening with guys who give of vibes of anger that stem from sulkiness and embitterment, as opposed to the more acceptable (seemingly non-threatening) "rebel-anger".
As for how to control such low level seething rage, well, this is the $64,000 question. An entire drug and therapy industry has arisen to mitigate against the two most common emotions that plague the mental health of many people - depression and anger. There are plenty of pills that people can get their hands on for depression these days, but (with the exception of powerful sedatives to medicate the extremely violent personality) anger remains difficult to control. Extreme or not, anger becomes a problem if it messes up your ability to live your life to its full potential. You are correct when you state that being aware of this anger can help you to control it by engaging your logical mind to set up a defense. But anger is still troubling even when it is being suppressed. Somehow, you need to be make it disappear.
Of course, the idea that the world might owe you an apology for anything is the kind of misguided thinking that has roots that can be traced directly back to the
Ego. Inflation of the Ego in some men is a kind of mental compensation for the pain of suffering the life of a low status male, and for having been beaten down (both figuratively and literally) by other men for the better part of your life. The notion that: "I'm superior to you, and you suck, even though you've somehow found a way to dominate and me..." is a kind of survival mechanism. To keep from being crushed, the Ego creates an internal fantasy of Self Superiority - but it continues to be angered because the real world consistently fails to supply it with the veneration that it "deserves".
See how crazy all this thinking is when you slice it open and examine it closely?
My next bit of advice will probably sound crazy, but here it is: this type of unfocused anger can almost always be stunned by what amounts to a
psychological shock to the system - something that puts your own internal reality into question by placing it into context within the larger human experience.
In this case, I mean you actually expose yourself to individuals who REALLY do have something to be bitter about. Consider signing up for some volunteer work one weekend with the less fortunate - like at a homeless shelter, or soup kitchen. Go visit a children's hospital and see if they need help entertaining the kids. These little guys and girls will shatter the coldest stone heart in an instant.
If this isn't for you, then just consider the plight of our soldier put in harm's way in Iraq. Many of these men (guys your own age, probably) have made the ultimate sacrifice - and I'm not talking about the ones who have lost their lives. I mean the men who will have to figure out how to manage from this point on with a prosthetic arm or leg, or the ones who have suffered concussive brain injuries that may condemn them to a life of pill popping.
All I am saying is that if the world ever did start doling out apologies, guys like you and me with our Little League cases of "bitterness" will be standing way at the back of a very long line. I hope all this helps to get you putting things into perspective.
Take care buddy.
~ // ~
B Y T H E S A M E A U T H O R . . .
Michael Pilinski is the author of
Without Embarrassment
Michael Pilinski, the author discussed in my Without Embarrassment review, is a deep-thinking battle-scarred woman's man, who has figured out how to ascend the Male Dominance Scale by which women grade men as a potential mate. Care to improve your score?
To learn more about how this book compares with others in its genre, or read and in-depth review:
